Relationships are manageable and easy when you understand and accept, there will be a constant dance of connecting and disconnecting. In secure relationships, this dance is fluid, with each partner understanding they have a solid foundation they can work from. If the foundation is shaky, there will be more work required. More of connecting, more of being open to listening and not making it emotionally costly for their partner in being vulnerable.
By having authentic conversations, creating a space where you allow and encourage your partner to share what they feel can be a important step towards a healthy foundation.
Listening openly in relationships is hard work, but definitely possible with regular practice. Ignore the instinct to shut the other person down or beat them emotionally into obedience thereby increasing the risk of having one person feel unworthy or non existent. The need to avoid an assumed confrontation can be a basis of this or it could be that one partner finds the other overwhelming. For the avoidant it could be a false self belief that this is how they are wired and they don’t have the ability to invest into the relationship.
Examine what your beliefs are about your relationship and explore the background – right till your childhood and see carefully what your attachment style is. Do you tend to walk away? Do you get needy or desperate? Do you listen yet get defensive and judgemental?
Once you have a handle on what your attachment style is, explore your partners as well.
Empathy and compassion has to be the ground rule while doing this and keeping your partners needs in priority with yours.
A secure relationship requires two people to work in it – on the same page – together.
Avoiding may buy you temporary peace but it never allow a deeper, loving relationship to form.
Commit to staying open, and yes, it will not be an easy task. The need to shut off and not deal with it will come more easily. And this is where you should push more.
Bring down the walls that you have created within yourself.