While there are a gazillion researches, theories on what a good relationship should be and what destroys or even corrodes one. There are basic rules that one can adhere to and for those of us, who firmly believe that good relationships “just happen” or “just are” and if we need to work on one, maybe it’s not the “one” may be just off the mark and maybe there are those rare one’s which don’t require any effort. However, if there were too many rules and if we knew the kind of effort relationships require, very few of us would get into them. Truth be told, if you want a good relationship to last, you need to look at it as your body – it maybe in great shape now, but if you don’t work out or eat right, with time, it will lose it’s shape and strength.
I have found compassion being an important ingredient – it’s something that you can practice in your daily life – like a muscle that needs to be worked on for it’s effect to show. Try speaking gently rather than stonewalling people when in anger. Let it be a reminder that you need to share more of yourself, rather than shutting the other person out. Any rule that you may apply has to be from a place of love.
When you find yourself getting angry or hurt, remind yourself that in punishing your partner you are punishing yourself as well by creating disconnection and distrust with them. Anger just reinforces that we don’t trust our partners and that they’re not worthy of our trust.
Build deeper relationships with sharing more, allowing your partners views to be respected. It is okay to have conflicting viewpoints and rather than get offended or defensive try and understand at that point that your partner is operating from their life conditioning and their individual understanding and experience. You can get aggressive and roughshod your partners view, scoffing at their fears and while you may win the argument, you have made your partner feel how inconsequential their fears are and foolish they are to feel or think in a way different from yours. In long run, you both lose, you’ve lost your partners trust to be able to speak their minds or share things with you.
We have all at some point of the other made statements like, “You’re losing it,” “That’s just your paranoia,” or “That’s just your imagination.” These are sure shot examples of what you can say to invalidate the world view of your partner.
Harmony in a relationship can happen, if you don’t dismiss each other’s point of views or worry’s. It may not be your reality, but it is the reality of someone you love.
We all want to be validated and supported by people we love, especially the way we see the world, the fears we have, the insecurities we deal with – it doesn’t matter if you don’t see the same reality. Don’t try to undo your partners reality, it just makes them feel nonexistent.
By opening ourselves and by being willing to question our own conditioning be it parental or life experiences, if we are willing to expand our minds, we are letting the people we love, know that we trust their reality.
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